Thursday, August 12, 1999

Tereza and Tomas

We're finally free from their torment. We're sailing away from that land, finally.

Maybe I'm mistaken...perhaps due to all the trauma I've suffered throughout this recent skirmish. Maybe we're just going to sink. I have no clue, but this seems promising.

I look out upon the harbor, and I am reminded of a day long ago, when I tried to sail away from my troubles. I had the boat ready and everything...I should have known though. I was alone could I ever maintain a ship all by myself like that?

Arienette, I love you. Without you, I am incomplete. Without you, I feel...less put together. I feel as if there's nothing there guiding me out into the future...nothing stringing me along....

It wasn't hard to get here after escaping the City. I just spied the beach, saw Arienette and the boat, and boarded it. We're not the only ones on this boat; it's maintained by Runners. They're trying to escape too. 

The colors in the sky are mixing together to form the most perfect swirl of colors. The ocean sky bears down upon us, reminding us that while the blue ocean we sail on is beautiful, there's always a grander place above us; a place that we'll never reach, no matter the method, whether it's feathers or rockets.

Feathers burn in the sun's heat, and the rockets roar past the floating seas.

She's the only one that's mine now. She'll be fine, and I will be. We're not afraid of where we're going.

One day, the Key inside of me will probably be ripped out, but that day is not today.

We're starting anew. All the sadness is being left on the shores of California.

Maybe I've finally broken out of this cage.

Let's sail away past the noise of the bay
Let's sail away past the birth and death of the day
Let's sail away to where the blues and greens swirl into gray
Let's sail away

Let's sail away past the cradle of these waves
Let's sail away past the tide and it's slow decay
Let's sail away to where the water goes, some endless open space
Let's sail away

Take only what you need, my love, and leave the rest behind

Don't be afraid of where we'll go, my love
I promise you will be fine
Now you are the only one that's mine

Let's sail away past the reflections of the light
Let's sail away floating weightless through the night
Let's sail away like a photograph, fading to all white
It's finally all right

Forget all the mistakes my love
They won't be made again
Leave the photos in the drawer, my love
We no longer need them
We both know where we've been

Let's sail away disappearing in a mist
Let's sail away with a whisper and a kiss
Or vanish from a road somewhere, like Tereza and Tomas

A Poetic Retelling of an Unfortunate Seduction

Oh god, it just seems to get worse.

I'm out of The Empty City, now, after...some stuff going down.

The heat chased at me all the way to that building. It clung to my skin, causing it to feel dry, to feel too warm. I felt like I was being dragged down by it. I was on the verge of fainting when I saw the only building with lights on in the city. It felt separated from all the other buildings, as if they were leaning away from it...

The building was windowless, and was made up with brick. There seemed to be only one entrance, which was the tiny wooden door at the front of the building.
How were there "lights on" when the building was windowless

The lights became a dim red glow when I entered the building. The heat that clung to my skin left, only to be replaced by a sticky, humid feeling. The red glow seemed to wrap around my entire body; it seemed to be almost alive...

The hallway felt like it went on forever, but it also felt like I only had to take 5 steps to reach the end.

I walked out into a crowded room. Tangled strands of string wrapped around almost everything in the room, with all of the strings attached to a limb of someone in the room. A few of the persons were naked, or at a stage of undressing themselves; I was in a strip club.

I don't remember any details of the room, nor do I remember what any of the strippers or what any people in the crowd looked like. I only remember what one particular stripper looked like, and that's because

I don't remember how I got there, but I ended up in some back room, with a single spotlight on a girl,...a foreign looking girl, with beautiful skin and black hair. She dances and she

I don't remember when she got on top of me. I do remember how she felt...she felt so cold. Her eyes were completely black...but why...she embraced me, and my warmth contrasted and compared with her

I don't remember what she said, but she drew me even closer, and the cold started to eradicate the lingering humid feeling that had mixed with the feeling that Sun Creature had left

She took off my clothes, and I was powerless; she started know...

She was unbearably freezing the entire time. I tried to push her off

She didn't stop she wouldn't get off she wouldn't leave she was

I wake up in an alleyway. The foreign girl stands above me, looking down with her blackened eyes.

"Give us the Key," she says, and behind her, I see multiple figures arise from the shadows. Though their skin is white, and contrasts with the darkness, their eyes fit right in with the scenery.

I try getting up to run away, but my my hands were frozen to the concrete beneath me.

"Give us the Key or we will take it from you forcefully", she adds, "and you'll never be able to see Arienette again."

I start to laugh.

"You fuckers don't get it, do you? I can't just GIVE it away. It's bonded to my soul, forever. It's not going anywhere, not willingly, anyways."

She smiles. The foreign girl fucking smiles. Her teeth were like daggers

"Either way....we're taking it away. Guess you're never going to see Arienette aga-"

Before she even finishes the sentence, her left leg and part of her left hand are blasted away. Some blood drips onto the pavement, but most of it is now evaporating into the air. Smoke billows away from my right hand, and I'm gasping for air.

Pure rage fueled me into using the Key; I wasn't supposed to do that.

Too late now.

"I'm seeing her again, 
and there's NOTHING any of you will do about that!!"

Her comrades seemed a bit...surprised about my outburst.

But they also seemed scared, and at the same time awed,..not of me, but of something else.

It was snowing. And I knew what that meant. The Lonely Hearts had taught me a few things, and I knew that signaled the coming of my most vehement of Monsters;

The Cold Boy.
Of fucking course.

I had to get out of there, and fast. But where was Arienette? Could I use the Key to find my way to her?

No that would take too much energy...I couldn't do that.

As the figures with the black eyes ran away, and the snow's falling rate accelerated, a whisper to my side echoed in the alleyway.

"Pssst! Come one, I know where she is!~"

To my side, I see her; The Wooden Girl. She's crouching near a knocked over series of trash cans...

I ask her why she's helping me, and she tells me there's no time, that I needed to get out of there.

"Come here, I'll escort you out of here...let's just consider this a favor for now..."

I grabbed onto her without even thinking. I should have probably suspected her of lying, but that thought didn't even cross my mind at the time.

 And now I'm here, at the pier of this neon-wrapped city. The Pacific ocean glistens before me.

Arienette awaits me, and we're getting out of this place.

Empty Canyon, Empty Canteen

Everything’s ruined. Everything’s fallen apart.

I’m in a desert, alone. The heat is completely unbearable.
I want to collapse, but I can’t, not yet. I have to save Arienette.

It was all over in an instant. She was taken away from me, again. This time, instead of The Lonely Hearts…one of my monsters took her away.

One of my Fears.

This monster is a giant puppet, basically. She wore some type of mask, and her body was in a stage of decomposition. There were two strings that accompanied her, as if she herself was some type of marionette. Physical, wire-like strings, that moved on their own accord. Strings, that I could see, but normal people can’t see, leaked out of her also, wrapping around everything in the immediate area. They seemed weaker than the physical ones. 

She appeared all of a sudden in our living room. I yelled out, while Arienette was just silent; I guess she was shocked. The Wooden Girl first jumped towards Arienette, and her strings tied around her body. I ran at The Wooden Girl, attempting to stop her from taking the love of my life away, but I was pushed back, and cut a bit, by the rampaging strings around her. Desperate, I grabbed a lamp, and threw it at The Monster. It actually contacted with her head, but it had absolutely had no effect; it just shattered against her, and then fell to the ground, while The Monster didn’t even bat an eye. Didn’t even blink. 

The Wooden Girl grabbed Arienette, who seemed to be unconscious, and then erupted into an explosion of light. Nothing remained in the spot when the light dissipated, other than the remains of the shattered lamp. I fell to the ground, completely broken.

I couldn’t cry. I couldn’t scream. I couldn’t moan. I couldn’t think. 

My entire life was just rendered meaningless. 

I don’t know what would have happened if I didn’t remember that I was a Key; a special one at that. I could follow them! It’d take a lot of energy, it would probably notify The Lonely Hearts of my location, it would probably attract other Fears, but that didn’t matter to me.

My love was gone. I was going to get her back, no matter what. 

So I approached the spot where the Wooden Girl had disappeared at. I felt the air around it, and using the Key, I somehow knew instinctually what to do next; I said some phrase that I can’t recall, and dragged my open palm against the fabric of the universe, gently pushing it aside. 

A golden light washed over me, and I was pulled into another dimension. My body shook violently, almost felt like I was being torn apart. A pain pushed itself throughout my body, and I almost passed out from it.
It all came to an end as I was pushed into a new place. I fell to the ground, ripped my jeans and cut my legs. I was on the street of a city.

An Empty City…the Empty City. I was back in this Hell. 

“I’m back in Hell.” I had said aloud. 

“This? Hell? Oh, human, you just wait.”

She was behind me, The Wooden Girl. I turned around, and there she was, at the end of the street. Arienette was not with her. 

“Where’s Arienette?” I asked calmly. 

“Not here, human!” she chuckles. “Don’t worry though; she’s fine. Trust me, I know. Anyways, you shouldn’t have come here….”

I ignore her and scream, “Where is she!?"

It only takes a second for one of her strings to pierce my skin and stab though my entire body. She luckily aimed for one of my shoulders, not piercing any vital organs; she did this on purpose. 

“Stall your mouth and listen, fool. I have not the time for your foolishness. I want you to know just how positively FUCKED you are. F. U. C. K’d. Fucked. 
You just don’t see what’s happened here, do you?”

I don’t listen and yell again.

She sighs, and shakes her head.
“You’re far too dumb for my taste. Anger problems, too. No, I think I’m done with you. I’m going to let…him have his way with you….”

Before I know it, she’s in front of me. I scream as her strings wrap around my body, and as the golden light flashes around me again.

This time, I can barely get up after the travel between dimensions is finished. I lay on the ground of a desert, and a shadow falls over me.

The Wooden Girl looks down on me, and drops a canteen. She walks away, stops, and then somehow grabs my journal out of thin air, and then throws it at me.

“Write. Don’t waste the water. Good luck.” She tells me.

She leaves me alone, and from there, I try to use my Key again to follow her. It does not work; in fact, in this dimension, I can’t use my powers at all. The canteen is running out of water. I feel something is following me. Something is hunting me down. I’m surrounded by darkness.

The Sun blazes high above me. I look up at it, and it seems to get bigger, or at least closer, with every passing minute. 

It is getting closer.
It’s so close now, so blinding.
That’s weird, it’s “calmed” down, or something. Or actually, well,…I don’t know what happened; I just know that I can look at it directly now. What
It’s…it’s shrinking. It’s getting closer and shrinking at the same time.
It’s turning into a star-like shape…

It isn’t made out of regular flames. They’re almost like “liquidy” flames. They have some type of wavy motion to them. They’re light yellow in color. 

The waves shrink and I can see a figure entangled by them. The waves keep shrinking, until the figure appears to be “wearing” them….no, he IS wearing them. The flames are like clothes for this…thing.
The figure approaches, and he looks almost like a normal human. He wears what I like to call “Lennon Shades”, and his hair is really spiky. He is also quite tall. The flames almost seem to form some type of poncho or something for the man. 

He’s speaking, …and his voice is one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever heard. It soothes me, and I can almost compare it to how I feel about Arienette’s voice. 

“You enter my realm, seeking for a maiden in distress. You have found God instead. What say you now?”
 What do I say, journal? He isn’t bothered by me writing in you,  it se

“Of course I’m not bothered by it. In fact, keep writing. Write an entire book on me, in fact, if you feel like it; it’s been done before, but why not again? 
I don’t see a problem with it.”

I say: “Are you another Monster, like that Wooden Girl?”

He says: “Affirmative. However, I am one that is a bit different than her; I exist, and also don’t. I am Everything and Nothing. I watch you humans, and also my brothers and sisters, from afar, within this dimension. I’m trapped, you see…I can’t leave this place.
Not yet."
I think he wants to use me to unlock the door out of this place. My Key can probably do that…
“No. I do not want to do that.”

“Why not?”

“I am the Alpha, and the Omega, and the Everything, blah blah blah. I do not need a human’s assistance. I will be released from this place soon, do not worry. I have a way out. Also, I am a God of Honor; I do not need to violate the Rules to get what I want.”
“Okay. Well, what do you want from me?” I say….

He’s looking at me with this hungry look in his eyes. He’s scaring me a bit.
…and I notice now that he still has his sunglasses on. How do I know

“I’m hungry. I have not been fed for a while, my son. 
I want something, I need something, I’m hungry, I’m hungry, I'm hungry-

Oh god what’s going on
The darkness has been eradicated, but in its place
He’s there he’s there he’s there
Please don’t take me away please don’t swallow me whole please please I still need to see Arienette again
I’ll give you anything

I’m out of the desert. I don’t remember what happened in there at all.
All I have left is what’s written down.
I’m back in The Empty City. I feel like I’m going to collapse at any minute.
I can barely write. 
I want to die.
I’m so hot right now….too hot. I feel like I’m burning up.
The canteen's empty.

Friday, July 16, 1999

Pull My Hair

I was so foolish to think that just jumping back into a relationship would go well. Obviously, it wouldn’t, not in the type of circumstances we’re in.

Yes, we’re in a relationship now. We love each other…she even said as much. She’s just so beautiful, and I feel so warm around her. The loneliness and cold are completely gone; Winter is over, forever. 

We were so passionate towards each other at first. I can still feel her body against mine, as we wrapped around each other in the light of a camp fire out in the Californian Wilderness. I remember stroking her soft hair. I remember looking into her eyes, fiery with the flicker of the flames beside us…

At first. The stress has gotten to us. Every day, we’re wondering what our future is going to be. I don’t want her to be taken away because of my affiliation to The Monsters, and The Lonely Hearts, but she’s insistent that she doesn’t care about that, she just wants me to stand by her side. 

I want our love to feel more natural though. With this situation, it just feels like, we’re being “forced”. Or something. I don’t know.

Maybe California isn’t too good of a location after all. Maybe we should move again. And all the while, I feel something dark surrounding us again…

The nightmares were gone for a while. But they’re coming back again.

And this time, instead of an endless blizzard, or Padriac, or any of the usual shit, I see strings; thousands of them. They swallow the sky, and swoop down upon us, sinking deep into our flesh and bones, reminding us that we’re only pieces in a chess game.

Saturday, June 26, 1999

June on the West Coast

I’ve been in Winetka, California for only a week, and my life’s already changed.
It took so much to get to this place. I had to sacrifice a lot, and I had to break the status quo. Things are going to get messy if I’m not careful, due to this. But it’s worth it…it’s all worth it. I’d rather die than go back to that place. 

I’m meeting with her, my true love; Arienette. We’re meeting out on in a secluded location…I’m confident they’re going to have a hell of a time finding us out here. I’m not letting her go. Not this time.

I’m in the back of a truck, in its flatbed, with my backpack and my guitar. I’m holding you, the journal, in my hand as I bear down on it with a pencil, writing this interior message to you. I’m so fucking nervous right now. 

Guess I’ll keep writing until I get there. I want to look at the scenery around me, but I can’t, I have to write, don’t I?

The sunlight is here is just so comforting. On the East Coast, it felt almost alien, in a way. I know that sounds strange, but for me, it’s the truth. Here, the heat isn’t some humid, tropical kind; it’s pure Summer air. It feels wonderful. 

I think I’d like to live here, maybe. Possibly. Probably. I mean, why not?

It’s so different from where I was about three weeks ago, when I first got a reply from her in the mail. I was in Mesa, Arizona, and the heat was just unbearable. I spent a day there, and before I got the letter, I was just completely miserable. The visions started again, with the fireworks and the memories flooding my head again. This time, though, they all morphed into visions of dying dreams. 

But then, I got the reply from her, the one I had sent from another location in Arizona. The letter gave me a hope that somehow extinguished the fiery hallucinations. I had so many more things to tell her, I felt like I was on fire, but I knew that I could eventually just ask, when I finally see her.

I even slept, without any nightmares, that night. I’ve wanted that for months. 

I guess Spring really did do its part, eh?

I finally saw my brother two weeks ago, too; out in the outskirts of Olympia. I haven’t seen him in years, so you can understand how big this was to me. I talked to him about what had happened, and how I had escaped from The Lonely Hearts. He’s worried, of course…especially since he’s one of those timid, careful types.
He just doesn’t understand how it is to be a caged bird.
I had to leave him, though. 

Departed to San Diego to throw off any stalkers before meeting my Arienette.
There, I met my old girlfriend, Laura Laurent. I loved her once, but our relationship was doomed from the start. Like me, she’s a Key (of course not on the same level as my Key, but still). It would have never worked out…

I spent the night with her. Didn’t sleep with her…I just couldn’t stop thinking of Arienette the entire time. I longed to be with her, while I was walking on the beach with Laura. I long to be with her…

AndNo wait nevermind
We’re there. I see her!!
Thank you.

Thursday, May 6, 1999


I just want a normal night.

I'm in a hotel...another goddamn hotel. I've been traveling constantly from state to state, trying to confuse those who are watching me. If I move around enough, they're bound to lose track of me.

Some state in the southwest. In room. Visions won't stop.

Past and future are mixing in with the present in my room. I see how I used to be, and how I'm going to be, with the reflection in the mirror across the room. I see her, I see her again, I see me. Lights flash all around me,...bursts of lights. Like fireworks.

A red tone lingers in the air. I feel intoxicated, but I haven't had a drink.

My skin tingles as I brush my fingers across my forearm. The pen I'm holding seems extremely cold and also almost scalding hot at the same time. There's some ringing in the background that just won't quit.

She appears, my Arienette, in front of me. The sun rises, the sun sets right before my eyes. I want to reach out and touch her sweet, soft face. I want to kiss her. I want to feel her close by me.

Tingling static surges through my entire body. What is happening? Why?

I clutch at my chest. Perhaps my Key is malfunctioning.
I knew I shouldn't have meditated with her in my mind.
Perhaps the Key is granting my "wish", and is now letting my past consume me, so that I can see her again.

Or maybe a Fear is just fucking around with me.

I'm trying to get up,...trying to stand on my own two feet. The vision of Arienette is gone. Where did sh-

My weight is too much, and I collapse, and fall to the floor. I hear the rain tap against the window, and I hear the visions scream around me, as my skin scratches against the itchy carpeting.

I am writing this down still, but I'm on the floor. What, no. I never fell. I'm still on the bed. But then, who fell to the floor? When did that happen?

No I'm in the bathroom. I'm looking into the mirror. I see myself...I'm so fucking undesirable.

I'm back on the floor, and on a bed at the same time. She's laying beside me, and for a moment, I silently wish that this moment lasts forever.

A clock ticks somewhere above me. Why does it never stop why does it continue on like this

The fireworks stop, and the color in my love's face drains away. I sink into the mattress, into the floor, and I disappear into the darkness. I'm back in my lonely hotel one's here.

I'll be there soon, love. I promise.

Friday, April 2, 1999

The Difference In The Shades

I've decided to pursue Arienette. I've chosen the life of running away from both the monsters, and the Agency, as long as I can be with her. I'll sacrifice everything I have left for her...which isn't honestly much. I hardly even can claim that I have any sanity left, after everything I've been through the past few months.

I've prepared everything. I got everything packed up. I'm just waiting for the perfect time to hit the road.

What finally convinced me was recalling one specific memory...back in June, of 1998, I was living in an apartment with Arienette. One day, we just decided...not to mess with anything. Just to lay in bed all day together. I think she may have been a bit sick, but nothing serious.

We discussed our future together...I wanted to break up, because I felt that I was endangering her, due to me being a -Key-. She told me that I was being silly, that I was underestimating her.

Looking back, I guess I was. Arienette's a strong woman, I know that now. Far stronger than me, anyways.

Arienette came from a small family in Idaho. She had a great childhood, and the past few years weren't too shabby either. She had told me, though, that those times would never compare to the time she had spent with me, here. She said she was finally settled down... 

She said that she thought...that she may have been falling for me. Falling, in love, with me.

It amazed me, that confession. Love? I didn't have much experience with that emotion; my family loved me sure, but they never actually showed that. I didn't have any friends. Love? What exactly was that anyways?

But I knew, sometime later, somehow that I was already in love with her.

I thought that maybe...she was the one. She could be the one to finally save me from it all.

To save me from this drifting melt away at the warm my shivering body.

I feel hollow with this..."Key" inside me. I wanted it out! I wanted to be normal!

Of course, that couldn't happen...not if the Agency was concerned anyways.

But I'm going to make it happen.